Too Nice. Too Soft. Too Human. - Lessons on Feedback at 6am.

Why I refused to be the asshole boss they wanted, and what love-first leadership really builds.

This was one of many street art pieces we had created for our offices at the Dolphins. Surf brought this mantra with him from CPB, and it has stayed with me ever since.

At 6 a.m., David pulled out of his mom’s driveway to start his new life at college.

I had thirty seconds to sum up eighteen years.

As I wrote in last week’s article, we’re not big huggers these days. Somewhere along the way, as the boys became teenagers, the long bear hug turned into a quick “love you.”

But that morning was different. Standing in the driveway, we hugged in a way that made time stop. The kind where you feel the other person hold on tighter as it goes, and you know it’s going to be okay.

I couldn’t get all the words out in that moment. I do better in writing.

So as I sat in my car watching him drive away, I sent the message I really wanted him to have.

It was simple and direct. And it works just as well for leadership as it does for parenting. You can read the text in the other article, but it boiled down to a formula that’s become ingrained in the way I communicate. Love, feedback, listening. It’s how I subconsciously speak, and I’ll own it fully.

Be vulnerable. Encourage quickly. Challenge them. Give them permission to explore. Reaffirm the connection.

That’s the formula. And underneath it, if you really pay attention, it’s built on love.

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The Other Side of the Formula

Just for shits and giggles, let’s flip it. The other side.

The way I was often told I should be leading.

It’s one thing to talk about feedback rooted in love. It’s another to show what happens when it isn’t. When tone, body language, and words strip all of that away.

I’ve lived both sides. I’ve been the leader who gave feedback with care, and I’ve also been told I needed to be the “hardass boss.” To push harder. To be more of an asshole. Those were the actual words. And that pressure to lead from toughness instead of trust? It’s one of the reasons I eventually walked away.

Let’s talk about it.

Body language and tone

Feedback starts before a single word leaves your mouth.

Crossed arms. Eyes glued to the screen instead of the person. The sigh before you speak. Being halfway lost in something else. Those moments communicate louder than any actual notes.